Cracked Tenders: Giant Bunnies and “Rats”

Several other writers at cracked.com make a habit out of taking items from articles they wrote for that awesome site that did not make it into the final draft on the site and run them as entertaining little nuggets elsewhere. Much like Burger King started making “tenders” after McDonalds invented the McNugget out of left over chicken parts, I will be running my own “Tenders” here, because I worked on them damnit, and I want to share them. Here are the three entries that failed to make it into this article I wrote about the awful huge versions of tiny critters.

 

 

Gambian Pouch Rat

Rats have a bad rep; and while we here at cracked know that their reputation as disease infested shit-machines is not deserved, its hard to get past the stigma associated with them. The fact is, there are rats out there that would just as soon gnaw off your soft bits as scurry away.

The tiny version


Awwww…..


What most of us think of when we hear the word “rat” is the Norwegian Brown rat; the most common species in the world. They are smart and resourceful, and being rodents that aren’t hamsters or guinea pigs, fucking terrifying to many people. Movies like The Bone Collector use this idea to scare the hell out of people. Imagine if they had used this instead…

The Nightmare


Gambian Pouch Rats are the monster rats of horror movies. While a large brown rat grows to a total length of 20 inches, with tail for the biggest, the pouch rats grow to be as big as a small raccoon, and weigh over 8 pounds. Some can be as long as 3 feet when they reach maturity, and travel in groups of up to 20 individuals eating everything that resembles food that they can get their greedy little giant rat hands on.

Holy Shit! Is it dangerous?
On the bright side, they aren’t really any more dangerous than regular brown rats. That said, an angry brown rat can fuck up your day pretty good, so we can imagine a 3 foot long one would hurt a lot more. They have been introduced to   southern Florida and it is feared that they could destroy fruit crops and eat bird eggs.

On the other hand, they apparently make good pets, can learn tricks, and can even sniff out mines and tuberculosis.


Fortunately for these guys, they “rarely” detonate the mines.


Indian Giant Forest Scorpion
Like spiders, most people are afraid of scorpions. They have a bad-ass name, and look like a cross between a lobster and a wasp. Some of them have powerful poison that can potentially kill you, and really, anything with more than 4 legs that doesn’t have butterfly wings is typically disliked by us as a species.

The tiny version


That right there is the “Death Stalker”, the world’s most poisonous scorpion. Scorpions have a general rule; the smaller they are, the more poisonous. There are hundreds of species in the world, and most of them aren’t going to hurt you much more than a bee, which still sucks, but it beats, you know, death.

The nightmare


What could be worse than a deadly poisonous scorpion? How about one that is so big, it doesn’t fuck around with that wussy poison bullshit and simply crushes its prey to death? Indian Giant Forest Scorpion is that scorpion. They grow to be over 9 inches long, and are often compared to the Black Emperor scorpion since that is the other big ass scary scorpion (and the one they use in movies all the time) but have the distinction of being much more aggressive. So not only is it the biggest, its the meanest.

Holy Shit! Is it dangerous?
Well, like we said, its sting is comparable to that of a bee, so barring an allergy to rare giant scorpions, death shouldn’t be a concern. On the other hand, they pinch like a motherfucker. We weren’t able to find any resources on how powerful the pinch is, but when its enough for them to kill their prey and not bother stinging them, we aren’t in a big hurry to find out.


German Grey Rabbit
Who doesn’t love bunnies? They are fuzzy, cute, and believe it or not, not rodents. Rabbits are actually Lagomorphs, which are related to rodents, but not. Bunnies also hardly have the same reputation as some rodents, generally being considered threats to carrots and Australia.

The tiny version


Even the Terminator’s metal heart would melt at the sight of that picture. Seriously, the reason they used a rabbit in Monty Python and The Holy Grail was because its ridiculous; rabbits are about as scary as a cloud made of marshmallow, covered in love. Even making them huge in Night of the Lepus only wound up making everyone involved look like a retard.

The nightmare


This is another one, like the Golden Web Orb Spider, that was circulated through emails, causing the knee-jerk “Bullshit!” reaction at the sight of it, and like the spider, this one is 100% real. Did your stomach suddenly feel weird and your brain say “no fucking way…” in mortal terror? Ours did. Seriously, as stupid as the idea of a giant bunny being scary may be, being confronted with the real life version of the monster Bugs bunny is an entirely different story.

A German rabbit breeder named Karl Szmolinsky bred the already large German Gray into monsters. The photo is of Robert, the official winner of the “Largest Rabbit in Germany” prize. He weighs a whopping 23 pounds, and we think he poops pellets the size of golf balls.

Holy Shit! Is it dangerous?
Not terribly dangerous, but like any animal, rabbits bite when cornered. Do you want to see Robert’s teeth up close? We don’t either.

 



According to Karl, an average bunny he has bred can produce up to 15 lbs of tender meat. The (wait for it) North Koreans decided that Karl’s monsters would be the perfect solution to that country’s food shortage. Just when you thought North Korea couldn’t get any more ridiculous, they decided that giant bunnies would be the perfect solution for any other than “cuddly”. Karl agreed to sell them some to get their breeding stock going, and in a move that shows Team America nailed Kim Jong Il’s personality perfectly, they were eaten for his birthday instead of being bred.

 

 

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