I wrote this for Cracked years ago, but it was a labor of love I never got paid for, so I don’t feel bad posting it here, too.
Just The Facts
- Fast Food was started by Ray Crock and Col. Sanders, placing them on par with Buddha and Jesus.
- Despite urban legends, KFC really is chicken. They changed the name because the same idiots who believe it isn’t chicken have a hard time completing sentences.
- Fast food is bad for you. So are sunlight, water and air.
Cracked on Fast Food
Fast food is an entire genre of cuisine where the food is served up “hot” and “fresh”, but most importantly, “quickly”. The truth is that fast food usually requires ridiculous wait times (some times 5 fucking minutes for a burger), somehow manages to be room temperature, and made of ingredients loaded with more preservatives than a mummy.
It’s typically prepared by teenagers or adults who made bad decisions with their life, and is thrown together with the love and gentle hands of a mob capo performing a hit on a child molester. The end result often looks like roadkill with cheese and is delivered to you with a “here’s your fucking food, and preparing it for you for minimum wage ruined my day. Eat shit” attitude.
But at the end of the day, anything fried, beefy and covered in cheese and bacon is worth the stress. Fast Food is like gourmet food, without the price tag.
Peddled By: Taco Bell, Amigos, Chipotle Mexican Grill
Fakesican food is Mexican-themed fast food that often claims to be “Authentic” but is actually about as Mexican as Carlos Mencia (He’s from Honduras). Taco Bell is definitely the worst offender with things like “enchiritos” which sound Mexican but are completely made up. Fakesican food is about as close to health food as you will find at a fast food joint, since they somehow manage to not be full of as much artery clogging fat and sodium as burgers, despite having a greater than 20% cheese content in some cases.
Fakesican food was put on earth by mighty Quetzalcoatl along with Mexican beer to both kill the white man and make us love every second of it.
In a word: Delicioso!
Peddled By: KFC, Chick-Fil-A, Popeyes Chicken and Biscuits
Slightly worse than the fakesican food, but still better than burgers is fried chicken. Most fried chicken buckets are fried dioramas of Jeffery Dahmer’s apartment, being that they are merely a collection of random dead body parts, coated in breading and fried is scalding fat. This is what nature truly intended the chicken to do.
Eating fried chicken from one of these places automatically puts you on the same plane as Stalin and Pol Pot in the eyes of Vegans, equating you with mass-murdering assholes due to the sheer number of individual animals you consume in a single sitting. You also get biscuits, which are delicious, and if set out to dry, can be hurled at Vegans like rocks made of lard and flour. They can be softened again with Vegan tears.
Peddled By: McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s
By far the most popular and plentiful of fast food restaurants are burger joints. They simultaneously ensure that the cow population of the planet will always exceed ours, and that one day cows will rise up and slaughter us all in a massive revolt of terror and cow-pies. Or they will continue to moo and get eaten; one of the two.
This brand of fast food often offers crossovers with the other two types, but mostly feature all-beef patties of various sizes with various toppings, all designed as sodium and fat delivery vectors, stimulating your brain like special-sauce covered heroin and morphine with pickles. It is impossible to resist the siren song of a fast food burger, even though your bowels know that it will inevitably cause them to explode violently.
Burgers often come with vegetables on them, but true burger patrons indulge in things like Baconators and Monster Thickburgers which treat cheese and bacon like veggies and smother the burgers in mayo and ketchup to make sure you aren’t too low on cholesterol and corn syrup (which are nearly as important to bodily functions as trans-fat and MSG).
Peddled By: Dunkin’ Donuts, Honeydew Donuts, Krispy Kreme
Unlike the other places, donut shops sell, well, donuts. They typically specialize in sweet food, coffee and breakfast, making sure that the first meal of the day doesn’t slip under the heart-attack radar. Along with donuts they usually sell breakfast sandwiches of an egg-like substance on a bagel, biscuit or croissant (sorry, so far none will do it on a donut) with bacon, sausage or ham. Even the donut shops can’t resist the siren song of meat.
Typical donut standbys include glazed, chocolate and Boston Creme. Often they are deep fried to golden perfection, sold with cups filled with sugar and (fatty) cream laced caffeine-juice to start your day off right.
Fast Food Vs the World
Today’s case; McDonald’s Vs McDouchedabg
Some people are either awful liars, or just fucking stupid. The average person did not need documentaries (see below) about fast food to know that it was bad for you; bacon and cheese are God’s obvious way of saying “Have a little bit of Heaven while you speed your way to our pearly gates on a stream of drippings and cheddar”. However, there was a spate of lawsuits several years ago where fuckatrds actually attempted to sue fast food chains for providing their fat, gluttonous with food that wasn’t good for them.
Their argument? That the restaurants hadn’t clearly displayed the health information of their food. They were actually suggesting that if they had known, say that their daily diet of Quarter Pounders and large fries had 51 grams of fat in it, They might not have eaten it.
We call mega-bullshit. That argument is like a heroin addict saying if they had seen a label that said “THIS SHIT WILL KILL YOU” they would have stopped. Why let a little thing like “common sense” fuck up your chi? Here are some of the guilty retards that filed lawsuits.
Bronx Girls Sue McDonald’s
One ate an egg McMuffin and Big Mac a day , while the other liked Happy Meals and ate at McDonald’s 3 or 4 times a week. Both were short and fat, which was apparently a surprise to their parents who, while wading through giant piles of empty fry holders and burger cartons found their girls to be out of shape, meanwhile scratching their heads in confusion.
Clearly the girls would have controlled themselves if they had known, quantitively, just how fucking terrible their diet was. Instead, they blissfully went about shoving grease covered food into their gator-like maws, all the while wondering why they were ballooning.
The McDonald’s lawyers pointed out that the following could also have played a role in their increase in girth:
Genetics, medical conditions and sedentary lifestyles. In case you are wondering what a “sedentary lifestyle” is, it’s running, jumping and generally getting about as much exercise as a potted plant.
Another mountainous slug, also from the Bronx (Jesus, do they have anything but fast food there?), Caesar made headlines when he filed lawsuits against McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s and KFC. Apparently a lot of the fat was collecting in his balls. He claimed the fast food chains were responsible for his obesity, 2 heart attacks and diabetes.
Presumably if he had been hit by a car, Buick would owe him BIG. However, he ate at fast food restaurants 4 or 5 times a week, so that would be like jumping in front of that Buick most weekdays and occasionally on weekends.
Both cases were handled by a fuckbag lawyer named Samuel Hirsch who had dreams of a New York state-wide class action suit where he clearly cared about his clients and not the millions and millions of dollars he stood to gain if they won. He claimed their addictions to fast food were fueled by their inability to resist the massive advertising campaigns the fast food companies used to convince people they would enjoy their tasty food.
Clearly, if it weren’t for the animated Col Sanders and Justin Timberlake’s “I’m Lovin’ it.” all 3 people would have been Olympic decathletes. The world weeps for its loss.
Fast Food Nation, Supersize Me, Food Inc… Killjoys all of them. They have a message, and it’s a HUGE NEWSFLASH; Fast Food isn’t healthy for you. Did you know that? Of course you did, because unlike the people listed above, most Cracked readers, actually most of the world, isn’t retarded.
All three (and others) espouse that fast food is evil and you will die a horrible, corpulent death if you have it more than once a decade. Never mind that in the case of Supersize Me, the director/guinea pig is dating an overbearing vegan Nazi and hadn’t eaten meat in God knows how long.
Fast “Health” Food
Sadly, that level of non-retarded is very rare.
McDonald’s has a section of their website called “Food, Nutrition, & Fitness“, which is slightly more ironic than “The Hitler cultural sensitivity center”. Here we find pictures of the few things on McDonald’s menu that aren’t food metaphors for an ICBM aimed at your arteries. Digging a little deeper, we find their salads. Looking at the fat, you see some with as little as 4.5 grams of fat. Hey, Awesome job McDonalds…
Oh wait, that is without chicken, which makes it vegetables. 4.5 grams of fat for vegetables? Okay, so in that particular case, there are tortilla strips and cheese, which means the veggies only account for half a gram of fat. How the fuck does lettuce and tomato have fat? Are they just covering their bases?
So basically, what you get without chicken is a really expensive bowl of old mixed vegetables. So of course you get the chicken. Hell, even with grilled chicken, it’s still not bad at 9 grams of fat. But then there is the dressing. In America, if there is one thing we inherited from the French people who lived here before they were exiled to Quebec is that food tastes like shit without sauce. So we add salad dressing to our salad;
If you went for the tasty ones (Creamy Caesar or Ranch), that 9 grams of fat just jumped to almost 30. If you had crispy chicken, you might as well have a Big Mac and spare yourself the additional 9 grams of fat. No shit…
If you opt to go for grilled chicken sandwiches, they aren’t too bad, except they still weigh in with fat contents in the double digits. Skip the mayo and that cuts off half of it, and you wind up with dried cardboard on a bun. Yum.
Interestingly enough, some of the “healthiest” fast food is Fakesican. Sure, some things like the Volcano Burrito from Taco Bell is just fucking awful for you, but by and large, the average taco has only 7 grams of fat. That’s a beef taco, and it’s better for you than grilled chicken. We now declare Fakesican “Health Food”. Up yours Richard Simmons.
Every so often a fast food company tries to mix things up and introduce items that aren’t part of their normal menu. Showing how open minded and forward thinking the Political Correct culture has made us, these things failed completely due to their lack of “sameness” with the rest of the restaurant’s menu.
McDonald’s tries to be the Wal-Mart of fast food
McDonald’s has tried to add new genres several times in the past, with 0 successes. Not all of their attempts to mix things up were complete deviations of course, but some of the most spectacular failures were. They tried pizza, hot dogs, corn dogs and even bratwurst. Needless to say, none of these ever caught on.
They have also tried to add variations of burgers to their menu. Some stuck, like the Big and Tasty. Others didn’t. Here are some failures (that still kinda sound delicious):
The Triple Double Burger: Also known as the HolyFuck burger. It was 3 pieces of beef with 2 pieces of cheese, served on a McRib bun. It was sold under different names for different markets, all catering to local sports legends, like The Michael Dean Perry burger in Cleveland, the Jason Kidd burger in Phoenix, and in Canada, the Hockey Burger… (either McDonald’s or their Canadian test panel is stupid)
The Philly Cheesesteak: Discontinued in 2007 in Australia and America, still selling in Canada. Apparently it was McDonald’s that was stupid after all. (We’re going on a road trip to Canada).
Arch Deluxe: Was touted as a “Luxury Burger”. Since it didn’t come with a Mercedes or cause women to drop on their knees and offer oral sex in its presence, customers called Bullshit and it was discontinued. Or something like that.
McLean Deluxe: Showing that the same guy who came up with the Arch Deluxe was both not creative, and clueless, this was an attempt to make a less fatty quarter pounder/McDLT type burger. Nothing about “Lowfat Burger” sounds good, so we will move on.
McDLT: Aside from catapulting Jason Alexander to our screens long before he could annoy us further as George Costanza(See Below) , the McDLT was a decent enough idea, except it missed the entire point of “fast food”. The idea was (according to the commercials) to keep the hot part of the burger hot, and the cool side of the burger cool, making it exponentially tastier when you yourself put them together, instead of the kid making them doing it just seconds before you eat it. Apparently this 30 second gap of time from placing the condiments on the meat had previously resulted in nasty disgusting piles of shit that no one would eat, ever. Except for all the people ordering everything but the McDLT.
The major flaw was that most fast food customers are going to a fast food restaurant to skip any and all steps in food preparation. If we had it our way, unwrapping and lifting the burger would be a burden taken away from us. Stupid McDLT.
Burger King eschews creativity for ripping off McDonald’s
A scant 30 years after McDonald’s introduced the Big Mac, Burger king Introduced the Big King. It was 2 patties, special sauce, lettuce cheese pickles onions. If it was a book, McDonald’s would currently own Burger King. Instead, recipes can’t be copyrighted, so Burger King once again proved they were the McDowel’s of the real world and just ripped that shit off.
Despite actually being tasty as hell, Burger king also showed that there is nothing on their menu (aside from a Whopper) that they won’t discontinue without warning or purpose. Here are some items that show this is not always the case, however:
BK Back Porch Grillers: Burgers flavored specially to taste like they were cooked over the open flame of a grill, unlike BK’s other hamburgers, which are only cooked over an open flame.
Shake ’em up Fries: Fries, in a bag, with powdered cheese. You added the cheese to the fries and shook them up. The writer of the Wikipedia seemed very distraught that no explanation was provided by BK as to why they discontinued “powdered cheese fries”.
BK Specialty Sandwiches: Fast food versions of Meatloaf sandwiches, Italian Sausage sandwiches, a steak sandwich (made with “restructured steak”), a hot ham and cheese and veal parmigiana. Because when we think “Burger joint” we want “shit we wouldn’t eat at home”.
Fast Food porn
Sometimes, Fast Food joints take their love of “bigger is better” to a point that their food resembles putting a bacon and cheese flavored shotgun in your mouth and blowing out your brains with ground beef. And we love them for it.
KFC’s Double Down
Jack-In-The-Box’s Ultimate bacon Cheeseburger
Hardee’s (Carl’s Jr.) Monster Thickburger
Burger King’s Stacker